Things people do in their sleep

I must be blessed with some of the most weirdest of friends. But the weirdest of all would have to be my friend Tattoo by far. I have had the displeasure of being witness to some of the most disturbing antics that only one such as himself could have come up with. Here is one such incident, which by right should never see the light of day, but this is me and I don't hold anything sacred. So here goes...

It was one of those lazy Saturday mornings where I would have preferred to wrap myself in my duvet and sleep my day away, but unfortunately I had made some prior plans with Tattoo to go do some stuff with our cars, Tattoo considered himself as the man who invented the modern internal combustion engine and had somehow managed to con many into thinking that. But those privy to my blogs would know different. He could not even get his internal combustion system to work properly as you would have by now no doubbt read in the previous posts. Anyway I managed to get my lazy ass out of bed and go pay Mr.Tattoo a visit. Upon arriving at his nasty dwelling, which consisted of a mud hut with a chimney, one could only wonder why a sou hai (as i would put it) would need a chimney in this tropical heat.Not only that, he also had installed all around the hut barbed and sharpened stakes. Not only was my boy a victim of fashion, his house had to suffer too?? Christ !! Like anyone would rob the poor bastard anyways....!!!! And the chimney ? Maybe he was just being cautious and getting ready for that big winter. Dumb fuck. So I proceed to knock at his mud hut, making sure not to make a hole in the thin mud caked grass door. After being what felt a eternity, the door opens and there stands his maid, who proceeds to tell me the useless lard head is still in bed. Aaargh the dumb fuck. Now we were going to be late. At this point if I had known the horrors that I would be witness to, I would have made a bee line back to my car and driven far, far away. But in my naivety I tell her I'll go wake him up from his lazy slumber.

So I proceed to make my way to his bedroom, meandering past their cooking spot on the floor which now only holds the faint ambers of last nights cooking fire, while thinking to myself why the fuck doesn’t he just buy a fucking stove, stupid keling. Finally I reach his spacious cavernous bedroom, which at this point rumbles with a cacophony of snores. Lo and behold, on the bed lies Tattoo the moron with his shirt off and his little man boobs heaving like twisted coconuts on some distant wave. It was an ugly sight. Man he was black and ugly with clothes but semi-naked?? Think dear readers of Gollum. The Dark version. After he fell into the fires of Mordor.

So I brush the image in front of me aside and move closer to wake this sleeping hobbit of a person. I proceed to wake him, at first with gentle prodding then slowly making my way to a earth jarring shake, but all to no avail. This idiotic dumb fuck just proceeds to sleep. After much rigorous attempts to get him up have failed, I stopped, cursing myself for getting up so early just to carry out this fruitless endeavor. Then, just as I was contemplating kicking sleeping beauty in the gut and making my way back home, the most strangest of things happen. Dear Tattoo opens his blood shot eyes, stares directly at me and proceeds to do the most vilest of things I have ever seen. He moves his hands ever so slowly down his pants and starts scratching his privates with such gusto that it resembled someone going at a gold nugget with a pick axe. And while he was giving that itch a good looking at, he had a developed a grin on his face of one who was content with all that life had to give, including that itch. Well at this point I just told myself, well we all get an itch down there and what better places to give into your carnal cravings then in the privacy of your own bedroom. But how was I wrong, because the next thing Tatoo did nearly made me gouge my eyeballs out and stomp on them for merely seeing the sight that was before me. Tattoo after a long period of scratching proceeded to sniff the hand that had stroked the beast and even worst, opened his mouth and started to suck that offending hands thumb. He sucked like a new born calf suckles on his mothers’ tit, looking for sustenance and security. This was sick. The sick fuck. At this point I could not take it anymore and started to run. Trying to find my way out of this sick and twisted place. Then I noticed the same familiar door, that door that had opened up to these horrors. Just as I reached the door, Tattoo's maid pops up and grabs me. What wrong says she, with such innocence. I in my demented ramblings, manage to tell her of my ordeal, to which she coolly replies, while laughing nonetheless, "Ah! That’s normal, he always does that." What? You telling me a full grown, dumb, albeit serially short male who scratches his balls and proceeds to sniff and suck the thumb of the very hand that had done this disgusting deed is normal. NO....No I say, we don’t do that, not me, not any sane male walking gods green earth will do that. No...And with that last cry I got into my car and drove, drove till my car would not go no more.

Jiwang Dei.....